An Open Letter to the Loves of my Life.

Dear LomL.

"Loves of my Life" has always been the term that I have used for the friends and family who I care so much about. But in all honesty, it is really hard for me to think of someone who is NOT on this list. This is an open letter to help my growth and change. This is my confession... (Cue the Usher song.)

I have always struggled with the idea of being seen as weak. I thought it was my responsibility to be strong for everyone else, to never admit that I, sometimes, need the help that I try to give so willingly to others. I know this is wrong, but I am terrified of telling my honest feelings and loneliness to my siblings because I will always want to be their strength, their pillar, and their rock. My pride has always gotten in the way, telling me that I need to be strong on my own.

I've come to realize that this is not true. I know that I have incredible friends and a family who loves me, but I struggle with the idea of telling you that I'm broken. Thinking that if I say it to someone, that I will have to admit it to myself. These past couple of weeks have really started to change my perspective.

I've really been struggling recently with everything going on and trying to gauge my true happiness. I know I love my job, that I enjoy my coworkers, and that the people at church are nice. But that isn't enough. I am so tired of having an "apartment" and not a "home," of binge watching Netflix, while playing Flappy Bird. I am a people's person and it's hard for me to admit how much "suckiness" is going on.

I spent this past weekend with a sorority sister and her adorable family in Ohio and it was perfect. I was in a home, there was an adorable little girl who loved to play, and great conversation. Lacey has always been an inspiration to me, but being a part of her home this weekend helped to heal a bit of the pain  and loneliness I was feeling. I don't know if I will every be able to tell Lacey and Josh how appreciative I am for their hospitality.

This weekend away and some of the things that I have been reading, listening to, and watching these past few days have helped me to realize that I need to admit my loneliness/unhappiness, that I need to confide in the people who I love so much, trusting that you will hopefully love me more and not less. That you will still come to me when you need to be uplifted or told that you are loved.

So, here it is... I am incredibly unhappy. I feel alone and I miss being around people who know me. I miss old laughs and genuine human interaction, the joy I feel after helping you figure out a life crisis and the confirmation that I know the world's most incredible people. I am sick of starting over and I want to be back in the familiar. As someone who has worked for years to control her emotions and to only choose happiness, these past couple of weeks have been tough.

I have faith that things will get better, and that a new day is right around the corner, but until then... I am asking you, one of my Loves to help me. To remind me that though I am a thousand miles away from you, that I still have you. That you still think I'm pretty dang special.

I have a deep love for beat poetry and this video was coincidentally on my YouTube homepage suggestion list.  My favorite line from the poem - "always there is light." I hope that it can help you and provide a little bit of hope.

Welp, that is my confession, all long, drawn out and emotional. I love you and am so grateful for the presence you have had in my life. Please keep being the inspiration that you are.

Forever and Always,

Amber Renee
(Am, Amb, Bambi, BamBam)